My own personal blog about my struggles involving anxiety disorders and obsessive compulsive disorder from the beginning and onward.

 

recovery challenge day five

I… I want to be remembered as someone who always did what they had to. It’s strange, but I want to be remembered as a person who would do anything for another person and who would never let anything stop them from doing so.  I want people to think of me and see someone helpful to a point that it hurt and someone who so obviously loved so much that it was just painful to watch and you couldn’t help but want to be a bit like them. I want to be bubbly and happy and enjoy my life by helping other people to enjoy their own lives… and I want to be loved so much… and I want people to be able to tell that I love them and not JUST see me as a background presence.

I want to be remembered by being remembered and I want the memory of me to be of someone who would rather suffer themselves than let anyone go through life alone or let anyone feel as if they are not understood or loved and understood as much as everyone else around them is. I want to… be to someone else what it feels like no one is willing to be to me and I want to be so insanely happy about it that other people can’t even begin to process it.

That’s how I’d like to be remembered…

recovery challenge day four

I really would like to say with absolute certainty that I have never harmed anyone with my disorder… but I really don’t think I can.  I mean, I have a habit of blocking things out if I don’t like them (and who doesn’t)… but some things stick.

When I was young my sister did something and I couldn’t stop myself and I thought about hurting her and I thought about being violent but I was young and couldn’t stop myself… and I gave her a bloody nose then freaked out and made her swear to tell everyone it just happened because of the heat…

When I was thirteen or so I was annoyed with my eldest sister and she was wearing a shirt I didn’t approve of… it was too tight or too low cut or something like that and my brain couldn’t handle immodesty or something I guess… and I called her a stupid little slut. words I’d never said before… and I couldn’t stop myself…

This past year at work a girl had an allergic reaction to our dish soap because she had to wash the dishes so much because I can’t stand to touch them…

I think of a lot of violent things that I could do to people and they scare me…
I usually never act on them and the thought of acting on them hurts me physically…
but sometimes it slips.
and sometimes people get hurt physically or indirectly or emotionally… and I can’t fix it or take it back.

recovery challenge day three

  • I like who people think I am? that should count…
  • I like that I’m willing to make an insane amount of effort for things
  • I like… my eyes?

there.

three things.

that works for me.

recovery challenge day two

Day 2 - What have you done to help yourself with your addiction/disorder?

I really don’t think I’ve done anything at all to help myself with my disorder.

I mean, I did make a big step this year in telling my mom about it but nothing has really been done since I was given my psych referral. I never went to get it checked out or whatever you do in this situation and I’ve just been feeding into it and following along with it ever since.  It seems to have even gotten worse over time if I’m being honest. 

I’ll make a step like getting my license or driving by myself at night … and I’ll obsess or assume that the car behind me is going to catch up to me and attack me or that the one in front of me is going to stop and get out and come at me or that I’ll be pulled over by a ‘police officer’ just to find out that they weren’t actually the police…

but I mean maybe I am making progress. I’m just not really going out of my way to fix myself…