My own personal blog about my struggles involving anxiety disorders and obsessive compulsive disorder from the beginning and onward.

 

recovery challenge day four

I really would like to say with absolute certainty that I have never harmed anyone with my disorder… but I really don’t think I can.  I mean, I have a habit of blocking things out if I don’t like them (and who doesn’t)… but some things stick.

When I was young my sister did something and I couldn’t stop myself and I thought about hurting her and I thought about being violent but I was young and couldn’t stop myself… and I gave her a bloody nose then freaked out and made her swear to tell everyone it just happened because of the heat…

When I was thirteen or so I was annoyed with my eldest sister and she was wearing a shirt I didn’t approve of… it was too tight or too low cut or something like that and my brain couldn’t handle immodesty or something I guess… and I called her a stupid little slut. words I’d never said before… and I couldn’t stop myself…

This past year at work a girl had an allergic reaction to our dish soap because she had to wash the dishes so much because I can’t stand to touch them…

I think of a lot of violent things that I could do to people and they scare me…
I usually never act on them and the thought of acting on them hurts me physically…
but sometimes it slips.
and sometimes people get hurt physically or indirectly or emotionally… and I can’t fix it or take it back.

recovery challenge day two

Day 2 - What have you done to help yourself with your addiction/disorder?

I really don’t think I’ve done anything at all to help myself with my disorder.

I mean, I did make a big step this year in telling my mom about it but nothing has really been done since I was given my psych referral. I never went to get it checked out or whatever you do in this situation and I’ve just been feeding into it and following along with it ever since.  It seems to have even gotten worse over time if I’m being honest. 

I’ll make a step like getting my license or driving by myself at night … and I’ll obsess or assume that the car behind me is going to catch up to me and attack me or that the one in front of me is going to stop and get out and come at me or that I’ll be pulled over by a ‘police officer’ just to find out that they weren’t actually the police…

but I mean maybe I am making progress. I’m just not really going out of my way to fix myself…

It sort of figures that, as soon as I say I’ll keep it actively going daily for a while since it’s all new and shiny I leave it for two days. I’m sorry about that to the people that are somehow reading this still… I’m a bit forgetful by nature but the reason I wasn’t posting was because I was actually out a lot this week.
I’ve officially been in an airport for the first time and it was at night so it was a bit interesting but it seems so clean there that I sort of loved going…
but all the thinking about airports and all the talking about traveling to England we’ve done just in the past couple days has had me over thinking everything. You see— I automatically started thinking about going to England because I sort of have always wanted to go and to help out the church there (the people I’ve been talking to are from the church there).  However— I’ve never been on a plane before so somehow just thinking about the possibility of a trip -even though I’ll likely never go- has me freaking out about what the feeling of taking off and landing could be like and what it would be like to be in a plane and to go through an airport… and my brain’s all a mess just because I thought about a trip to see people I really like. but I’m horrified now. thinking about a plane crash into the ocean trying to make it to england… or just the feeling of landing and flying an turbulence and such should I make a state-to-state trip to Oklahoma or something and it’s just freaking me out. I sort of feel like I can’t sleep because of it and it’s one am. XD so… yeah.
well thanks for reading.

It sort of figures that, as soon as I say I’ll keep it actively going daily for a while since it’s all new and shiny I leave it for two days. I’m sorry about that to the people that are somehow reading this still… I’m a bit forgetful by nature but the reason I wasn’t posting was because I was actually out a lot this week.

I’ve officially been in an airport for the first time and it was at night so it was a bit interesting but it seems so clean there that I sort of loved going…

but all the thinking about airports and all the talking about traveling to England we’ve done just in the past couple days has had me over thinking everything. You see— I automatically started thinking about going to England because I sort of have always wanted to go and to help out the church there (the people I’ve been talking to are from the church there).  However— I’ve never been on a plane before so somehow just thinking about the possibility of a trip -even though I’ll likely never go- has me freaking out about what the feeling of taking off and landing could be like and what it would be like to be in a plane and to go through an airport… and my brain’s all a mess just because I thought about a trip to see people I really like. but I’m horrified now. thinking about a plane crash into the ocean trying to make it to england… or just the feeling of landing and flying an turbulence and such should I make a state-to-state trip to Oklahoma or something and it’s just freaking me out. I sort of feel like I can’t sleep because of it and it’s one am. XD so… yeah.

well thanks for reading.