My own personal blog about my struggles involving anxiety disorders and obsessive compulsive disorder from the beginning and onward.

 

recovery challenge day five

I… I want to be remembered as someone who always did what they had to. It’s strange, but I want to be remembered as a person who would do anything for another person and who would never let anything stop them from doing so.  I want people to think of me and see someone helpful to a point that it hurt and someone who so obviously loved so much that it was just painful to watch and you couldn’t help but want to be a bit like them. I want to be bubbly and happy and enjoy my life by helping other people to enjoy their own lives… and I want to be loved so much… and I want people to be able to tell that I love them and not JUST see me as a background presence.

I want to be remembered by being remembered and I want the memory of me to be of someone who would rather suffer themselves than let anyone go through life alone or let anyone feel as if they are not understood or loved and understood as much as everyone else around them is. I want to… be to someone else what it feels like no one is willing to be to me and I want to be so insanely happy about it that other people can’t even begin to process it.

That’s how I’d like to be remembered…

recovery challenge day four

I really would like to say with absolute certainty that I have never harmed anyone with my disorder… but I really don’t think I can.  I mean, I have a habit of blocking things out if I don’t like them (and who doesn’t)… but some things stick.

When I was young my sister did something and I couldn’t stop myself and I thought about hurting her and I thought about being violent but I was young and couldn’t stop myself… and I gave her a bloody nose then freaked out and made her swear to tell everyone it just happened because of the heat…

When I was thirteen or so I was annoyed with my eldest sister and she was wearing a shirt I didn’t approve of… it was too tight or too low cut or something like that and my brain couldn’t handle immodesty or something I guess… and I called her a stupid little slut. words I’d never said before… and I couldn’t stop myself…

This past year at work a girl had an allergic reaction to our dish soap because she had to wash the dishes so much because I can’t stand to touch them…

I think of a lot of violent things that I could do to people and they scare me…
I usually never act on them and the thought of acting on them hurts me physically…
but sometimes it slips.
and sometimes people get hurt physically or indirectly or emotionally… and I can’t fix it or take it back.

recovery challenge day three

  • I like who people think I am? that should count…
  • I like that I’m willing to make an insane amount of effort for things
  • I like… my eyes?

there.

three things.

that works for me.

recovery challenge day two

Day 2 - What have you done to help yourself with your addiction/disorder?

I really don’t think I’ve done anything at all to help myself with my disorder.

I mean, I did make a big step this year in telling my mom about it but nothing has really been done since I was given my psych referral. I never went to get it checked out or whatever you do in this situation and I’ve just been feeding into it and following along with it ever since.  It seems to have even gotten worse over time if I’m being honest. 

I’ll make a step like getting my license or driving by myself at night … and I’ll obsess or assume that the car behind me is going to catch up to me and attack me or that the one in front of me is going to stop and get out and come at me or that I’ll be pulled over by a ‘police officer’ just to find out that they weren’t actually the police…

but I mean maybe I am making progress. I’m just not really going out of my way to fix myself…

30 day recovery challenge

believeinrecovery:

i made this challenge because i really wanted to do one! however, the only ones i could find were so specific about eating disorders or self harm. so i decided to make one that is really general, so anyone in recovery can do it!

i added questions from assignments i have been given from my addiction counselor. a few questions are inspired by the 12 steps. i also generalized a few questions from other recovery challenges.

this is how it will work: once a day, please answer the question! if any are too personal or you are not comfortable answering, skip it! you can start or stop the challenge at anytime.

**if you decide to participate in the recovery challenge, please tag you answers with believeinrecovery so i can check out and/or reblog your answers! 

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I’ve been thinking about doing this……..

Alrighty… so hello again.  I’ve been doing that thing where I realize that I sort of get caught up in a singular thing like… say… tumblr? And I start going overboard with it and get out of control because I can’t bring myself to stop… and I start letting some things slip away that I really like to pay attention to such as… as an example and not anything that really happened obviously… this particular blog?
But really… I mean I think the correct term for it is an addictive personality which apparently everyone in my family has for things like gambling and drinking and rugs and the like… but I funnel mine towards things involving the internet or cleaning or germs or picking or hand washing or hair pulling or sorting and whatnot without wanting to.
Things have really been the same since my big crash downwards…
A lot of things have been changing with people leaving and coming and new schedules and the like… so I haven’t been able to find my footing. Then a physical illness that I have has been driving me absolutely mad… which just happens.
I’ve been trying to just… let go and accept it… but I find that very hard to do. Which is where the addictive personality probably comes in.
At any rate… in most areas I’m not getting any better and I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as it were…
but on the same page, I do have a plus… which is that I finally got my driver’s license. I was sort of putting it off because I was terrified of the idea of being alone in a car and I still am… but I’ve done it?  I got my license and I drove by myself and was a bit nervous and a little panicked but I did it and I survived and I’m feeling a bit better about it.  I’ll stop rambling now…
sorry.
thanks for reading this mess. <3

Alrighty… so hello again.  I’ve been doing that thing where I realize that I sort of get caught up in a singular thing like… say… tumblr? And I start going overboard with it and get out of control because I can’t bring myself to stop… and I start letting some things slip away that I really like to pay attention to such as… as an example and not anything that really happened obviously… this particular blog?

But really… I mean I think the correct term for it is an addictive personality which apparently everyone in my family has for things like gambling and drinking and rugs and the like… but I funnel mine towards things involving the internet or cleaning or germs or picking or hand washing or hair pulling or sorting and whatnot without wanting to.

Things have really been the same since my big crash downwards…

A lot of things have been changing with people leaving and coming and new schedules and the like… so I haven’t been able to find my footing. Then a physical illness that I have has been driving me absolutely mad… which just happens.

I’ve been trying to just… let go and accept it… but I find that very hard to do. Which is where the addictive personality probably comes in.

At any rate… in most areas I’m not getting any better and I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel as it were…

but on the same page, I do have a plus… which is that I finally got my driver’s license. I was sort of putting it off because I was terrified of the idea of being alone in a car and I still am… but I’ve done it?  I got my license and I drove by myself and was a bit nervous and a little panicked but I did it and I survived and I’m feeling a bit better about it.  I’ll stop rambling now…

sorry.

thanks for reading this mess. <3

well it&#8217;s been a long while again because my life is getting messy which&#8230; well I do hate a mess. there has just been so much to do and there have been so many people to talk to and work with and get to know and to think say bad things about you behind your back. I just cannot shake the feeling that the people I meet and the people I know and love and grow attached to have nothing but bad things to say about me when I&#8217;m gone or think awful things about me or find me stupid or annoying or think I&#8217;m not all there&#8230; and it&#8217;s driving me up a wall because I&#8217;ve met a few new people recently and it&#8217;s just not pretty.
However that is not the theme of the day.  Today -this week, really- I have been facing the problem of over-thinking everything.
I just feel like I haven&#8217;t got a clue who I really am or what I really like or want or think or feel or believe and that everything I&#8217;ve believed to be true about myself is all false and made up to fit the thoughts in my head and the compulsive things I do and the things I obsess over.  It just feels like I&#8217;m not me but I can&#8217;t say that &#8230; because I don&#8217;t know whoIam.
So I&#8217;ve been wondering if I really believe my religion and if I really want to do something or really need something and because I have so much trouble with emotions I don&#8217;t know what I feel and I can&#8217;t figure out how I would feel about something I have yet to do like flying on a plane or getting a second job.
Then I am scheduled to take my driving exam on this coming Tuesday and I can&#8217;t tell if I&#8217;m worried about that test or about the after&#8230; and I can&#8217;t tell if I&#8217;m thinking I&#8217;ll pass or fail&#8230; I just know I&#8217;m horrified that when I&#8217;m finally in a car alone I&#8217;ll be afraid instead of ready to drive.
It&#8217;s just like nothing makes sense at all and I don&#8217;t know how to handle it.  Have any of you ever just had one of those days where nothing seems real and where you want to question the logic behind everything you do? No? Is it just me?
If it&#8217;s not please feel free to rant to me about it &#8230;. and thank you for reading.  From what I can tell I really like having this here where people that understand what I&#8217;m going through can comment and can understand and can sympathize and can rant at me about the same things (or anything, really&#8230; I&#8217;m more than happy to listen. I swear. and I don&#8217;t have to post it if you don&#8217;t want me to, I can just listen and give support privately&#8230;)
But I rambled long enough&#8230; hope I wasn&#8217;t a trigger and I&#8217;ll post again soon&#8230;

well it’s been a long while again because my life is getting messy which… well I do hate a mess. there has just been so much to do and there have been so many people to talk to and work with and get to know and to think say bad things about you behind your back. I just cannot shake the feeling that the people I meet and the people I know and love and grow attached to have nothing but bad things to say about me when I’m gone or think awful things about me or find me stupid or annoying or think I’m not all there… and it’s driving me up a wall because I’ve met a few new people recently and it’s just not pretty.

However that is not the theme of the day.  Today -this week, really- I have been facing the problem of over-thinking everything.

I just feel like I haven’t got a clue who I really am or what I really like or want or think or feel or believe and that everything I’ve believed to be true about myself is all false and made up to fit the thoughts in my head and the compulsive things I do and the things I obsess over.  It just feels like I’m not me but I can’t say that … because I don’t know whoIam.

So I’ve been wondering if I really believe my religion and if I really want to do something or really need something and because I have so much trouble with emotions I don’t know what I feel and I can’t figure out how I would feel about something I have yet to do like flying on a plane or getting a second job.

Then I am scheduled to take my driving exam on this coming Tuesday and I can’t tell if I’m worried about that test or about the after… and I can’t tell if I’m thinking I’ll pass or fail… I just know I’m horrified that when I’m finally in a car alone I’ll be afraid instead of ready to drive.

It’s just like nothing makes sense at all and I don’t know how to handle it.  Have any of you ever just had one of those days where nothing seems real and where you want to question the logic behind everything you do? No? Is it just me?

If it’s not please feel free to rant to me about it …. and thank you for reading.  From what I can tell I really like having this here where people that understand what I’m going through can comment and can understand and can sympathize and can rant at me about the same things (or anything, really… I’m more than happy to listen. I swear. and I don’t have to post it if you don’t want me to, I can just listen and give support privately…)

But I rambled long enough… hope I wasn’t a trigger and I’ll post again soon…

So after my really great slide to a bad day full of not so great things I haven&#8217;t really managed to get any better from that so I haven&#8217;t posted very much which does me no good and I mean&#8230; that&#8217;s sort of it. You guys just don&#8217;t have to hear me complain when I freak out and don&#8217;t post but thanks for being here anyways because it&#8217;s sort of nice even if it&#8217;s strange that people were willing to read this.
Anyways I&#8217;ve sort of just felt insanely drained.  I don&#8217;t quite feel like doing much of anything which is bad because I have to do things all the time and it&#8217;s definitely not easy.  That and most of the conversations I&#8217;ve had with my family and especially my dad since the big breakdown day have been coming off to me as a lot of insults and attacks on me&#8230;
Like my dad going off on me because I was trying to get them to call and schedule my driver&#8217;s exam for me because I can&#8217;t do phones well&#8230; and telling me how tiresome my attending church is for him&#8230; just things like that which sort of make me feel dreadful and are making me just want to give up.
That and I have felt more awkward than usual in social situations which, again, is bad because I&#8217;ve been doing a lot of stuff recently so I just come home from them and wonder how many people have something bad to say about me and it&#8217;s just a mess&#8230; not to mention that I&#8217;m so drained that when my family members make me think they&#8217;re putting me down I have cried myself to sleep almost every night after which I typically don&#8217;t feel the need to do.
I sort of just feel like I&#8217;m starting to just pull away and close off from everything they say now. My dad was supposed to take me out to practice for my driver&#8217;s test tonight and he canceled on me again and I just couldn&#8217;t even say okay or that I really wanted to go anyways. I just shrugged and felt even worse than I had already because it sort of felt like when he was making me feel like crap earlier in the week somehow.  It&#8217;s just been really weird recently.
Sorry for more rambling. I guess if I took the time to post more I wouldn&#8217;t ramble on like this.
Thanks for reading and just remember that you can feel free to shoot me a message about anything or ask me anything or vent and whatever; i can answer it privately or on here&#8230; but if I can help someone else I&#8217;d be glad to.

So after my really great slide to a bad day full of not so great things I haven’t really managed to get any better from that so I haven’t posted very much which does me no good and I mean… that’s sort of it. You guys just don’t have to hear me complain when I freak out and don’t post but thanks for being here anyways because it’s sort of nice even if it’s strange that people were willing to read this.

Anyways I’ve sort of just felt insanely drained.  I don’t quite feel like doing much of anything which is bad because I have to do things all the time and it’s definitely not easy.  That and most of the conversations I’ve had with my family and especially my dad since the big breakdown day have been coming off to me as a lot of insults and attacks on me…

Like my dad going off on me because I was trying to get them to call and schedule my driver’s exam for me because I can’t do phones well… and telling me how tiresome my attending church is for him… just things like that which sort of make me feel dreadful and are making me just want to give up.

That and I have felt more awkward than usual in social situations which, again, is bad because I’ve been doing a lot of stuff recently so I just come home from them and wonder how many people have something bad to say about me and it’s just a mess… not to mention that I’m so drained that when my family members make me think they’re putting me down I have cried myself to sleep almost every night after which I typically don’t feel the need to do.

I sort of just feel like I’m starting to just pull away and close off from everything they say now. My dad was supposed to take me out to practice for my driver’s test tonight and he canceled on me again and I just couldn’t even say okay or that I really wanted to go anyways. I just shrugged and felt even worse than I had already because it sort of felt like when he was making me feel like crap earlier in the week somehow.  It’s just been really weird recently.

Sorry for more rambling. I guess if I took the time to post more I wouldn’t ramble on like this.

Thanks for reading and just remember that you can feel free to shoot me a message about anything or ask me anything or vent and whatever; i can answer it privately or on here… but if I can help someone else I’d be glad to.